I am a Disciple of Jesus Christ, the Son of God

Exactly two months ago today I returned home and ended my service as a full-time missionary.

I have been meaning to write a final, concluding, post-mission reflection blog entry ever since my first week home. It’s taken me a while, but I have finally made myself sit down and do it.

About a month ago I began by posting the rest of my weekly emails from my mission, to preserve them both for myself and for anyone else who might be curious to know what I’ve been doing the past 18 months. That was tough. There was something very final about it. I was putting up pictures which no longer represented my reality, but rather my past. My mission was officially over.

Over the past 2 months I have slowly come to terms with this. It hasn’t been easy. The first couple weeks I was secretly miserable. I pretended the transition was going well. Actually, looking back now, I think it did go well, but it was also really hard.

There were small things that were easy to shrug off or laugh about. For instance, during my first week home, every time I would go somewhere in the car with my parents, I would instinctively walk behind the car as if to back them out of the driveway or parking spot (something missionaries always have to do.) My parents thought I was crazy. Or how I almost introduced myself to my new boss as Sister Daelemans. I caught myself just in time.

There were thing that I thought would be difficult, that ended up not being that big of a deal, like being by myself instead of with a companion 24/7, or watching movies and listening to music. I was actually grateful that there was no adjustment needed for watching movies guilt free. I love movies!

But some things were hard. Time was hard. There seemed to be an endless number of hours in the day with nothing I could do to fill them. And stuff. You don’t realize how much stuff you own until you live for 18 months in apartments that have no furniture other than your bed and a desk, with only about 2 suitcases full of personal items and clothes. Every item in my house now seemed so excessive. These things took longer to adjust to than others.

One, day, in the midst of my pretending to be fine with my new life, I had a bit of a breakdown while standing in front of the fridge in my kitchen. Suddenly I just lost it and started pulling everything out. I took out all the shelves and draws, and deep cleaned the whole thing. When I’m stressed, I clean. Which is a good thing I guess? But it was in reaction to my need to feel like I was accomplishing something. I needed to feel like I was being productive.

So yes, coming home was very hard. After the fridge incident I think I realized that I just needed to accept that I wasn’t going to be fine all of a sudden. I had made a big change in my life. Just like it took time to adjust to being a missionary, it was going to take time to adjust to being a regular human. So I allowed myself to mourn, so to speak. I let myself be sad, I let myself be ok with crying about it. And that really helped a lot.

Like I said, I have come to terms with my mission being over. My home life is very different, but there are many wonderful things to be happy about! I think my biggest mistake after coming home was thinking that my life was now meaningless. Obviously it’s not meaningless! Am I as busy now as I was as a missionary? No. Do I spend every hour of every day thinking about God and my fellow man? Uh….no. But do I have productive things to do with my time? Yes! I’ve slowly started getting back into the swing of things and have found many meaningful activities to do with my time. Is it a sin if I occasionally veg on the couch with nothing to do other than watch TV and snack on tortilla chips? NO! Rest is completely normal and healthy, and after 18 months of dedicated, constant on-the-go service, it feels really great to do nothing sometimes.

Over the past two months I have done many meaningful things. Like going on walks with my mom. Playing ukulele with my sister. Cutting my brother’s hair whilst discussing the ridiculousness of man buns. Arguing with my dad about sushi. Teaching my grandma how to play Uno. Spending time with my family has been great!

I’ve also had some incredible missionary experiences as I’ve served in my YSA ward as a ward missionary. The greatest of these experiences started a couple of weeks ago when the elders asked if I could drive their investigator Liz to church. I am so grateful they did. I made a wonderful friend, and today Liz got baptized and confirmed a member of the church! It was such a sweet experience. The work still moves forward, and I am still a part of it. Just in a new way.

Going on a mission was the absolute best decision I have ever made. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and it was the most joyful thing I have ever done. I hate to sound so cliché, but that really is the truth.

I’ve heard some people say that a mission is like the MTC for the rest of your life, and I agree. I have learned so many valuable lessons about the Gospel of Jesus Christ, about people, about hard work and sacrifice, about agency, about charity and service. Missions, and life, are hard, but that’s part of God plan. He needed me as a missionary to stretch, and grow, and become something more than I was before.  This is an important principle to understand because life is inevitable going to continue being hard. While I’m on earth God needs me to stretch, and grow, and become something more than I am right now. And the most miraculous part of this is that he doesn’t ask me to change by myself. It is actually impossible (believe me, I’ve tried.) Instead, he has given me, and everyone, his son Jesus Christ, who overcame the world, and death, and is able to make us infinitely more than we could be on our own. He has the power to help us become like him. Of all the things I learned on my mission, the most important and the sweetest is that Jesus Christ truly lives and his Atonement is real. There is no greater gift that Heavenly Father could have given me.

At every mission meeting we had, all of the missionaries stood and recited 3 Nephi 5:13:

“Behold, I am a disciple of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I have been called of him to declare his word among his people, that they might have everlasting life.”

I may no longer be a full time missionary, but I am still a disciple of Jesus Christ. I am so imperfect, and constantly fall short, but that is ok. I try and I keep going even when I mess up. Repentance is real! That’s what the Gospel is all about.

Who knows where my life will go from here. Heavenly Father knows, and I trust him. All I can do is continue to “…press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men…” (2 Nephi 31:20) If I do, God will make sure that I am on the right path and that I find peace and joy along the way.

Much love,

Natalie